


I feel like I'm drowning

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Complicated Relationships, FS KinkFest, Feelings, Getting Together, Light Angst, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sexual Content, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-03 07:04:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19458877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: Maybe it had been there before, that spike of attraction, hidden so deep it took him years to find it. In the end, his eyes were always drawn to Yuzuru, like everyone else's. But now he could feel a sudden thrill when he watched Yuzuru, his back arched in a spin, and his mouth were suddenly a little bit dry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mary_the_gardener](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mary_the_gardener/gifts).



> This is a gift for my beautiful friend, I hope you will enjoy it! Big thanks to wifey for betaing ❤️  
> It was pretty challenging to write so I'm curious what you will think about it haha  
> Rating applies more to the second chapter, I will update the tags when posting.

The water had perfect temperature, just on the edge of too hot, and Javier sighed contentedly, leaning against a tiled wall of the shower stall and closing his eyes. It was so good, feeling his sore, tired muscles relaxing a little after that demanding show, caressing his body with gentle waves. Ice shows were fun, but they were also tiring- in the end it was a job, pretty well paid one, and Javier didn't want to disappoint anyone. 

He lost track of time, somehow, and when he finally turned the water off it caught up to him how quiet it was, no one else showering, no sounds coming from the locker room. Javier cursed quietly, drying himself up quickly and wrapping the towel around his waist, realizing that the bus had probably left already, and he would have to take a public transport, which didn't sound appealing with how tired he was. 

Muttering something to himself- mostly quiet insults- he walked back into the locker room and was surprised to see that he wasn't alone there. 

"Yuzu, hi." he said and Yuzuru flinched a little, looking over his shoulder with big eyes, clearly startled. 

"Javi." he said, scrunching his nose "Why are you here?" 

"I almost fell asleep in the shower." Javi said, going to the opposite side of the room, where his clothes were folded on a bench "You're pretty late too." Javi noticed, turning his back to Yuzuru as he quickly put his underwear and pants on. 

"Had to do media." Yuzuru muttered. He sounded distracted and Javi turned to look at him just in time to see him struggling with his costume. The zipper was located in a back and it wasn't unreachable, but apparently a piece of fabric got trapped between metal teeth. 

"You need help with that?" Javier asked, but Yuzuru ignored him, letting out a frustrated huff, and Javier shook his head. 

"Come on." he sighed, making his way to Yuzuru and gently putting his hands on Yuzuru's shoulder blades "It will take you ages, I can do it." 

Yuzuru tensed suddenly, as if he wasn't expecting the touch, but Javier didn't pay attention to that, too focused on trying to fix the zipper without damaging the costume. 

It worked, an he unzipped the costume carefully, slowly revealing pale skin of Yuzuru's back. 

Javier had done it a few times before, helping Yuzuru out like that. It wasn't anything new, but his eyes were drawn to the strong line of Yuzuru's spine, his muscles trembling a little bit, as if he was breathing quicker than usual. 

He had done it before, but it felt like ages ago when he could be so close to Yuzuru, feel his heat, his overwhelming presence. 

"Hey." Javier said gently, putting his hand on Yuzuru's nape, rubbing slowly against tense muscles, enjoying the warmth of Yuzuru's skin "Are you okay?" 

Yuzuru breathed in sharply before spinning around, finally facing Javier. He looked moved, his eyes shining, cheeks flushed, the costume slipping off his shoulders, and Javier felt like something flickered inside him at that, hot and brief and nagging, something old and familiar. 

He opened his mouth, wanting to repeat the question, but Yuzuru grabbed his towel and pushed past Javier, basically running away to the shower. 

Javier blinked, confused by both Yuzuru's weird behaviour and that weird tingling of his fingertips. He only snapped out of his daze when he heard the sound of a running shower, and he remembered how long it was and that he had to get to the hotel somehow. He briefly considered waiting for Yuzuru and asking if his driver could give him a ride. 

He gave up that idea immediately, though, suddenly very aware of the tension filling the room and what it meant. 

He could use just a bit of space. 

Javier bit his lower lip, not able to tear his gaze away. 

In front of him Yuzuru was practicing his new program, moves not really focused anymore; he was clearly a bit tired after practice, but still managed to look somehow elegant, his arms always perfectly coordinated, line of his back straight and sure. 

Javier's fingers itched. 

Maybe it had been there before, that spike of attraction, hidden so deep it took him years to find it. In the end, his eyes were always drawn to Yuzuru, like everyone else's. But now he could feel a sudden thrill when he watched Yuzuru, his back arched in a spin, and his mouth were suddenly a little bit dry. 

It brought back old memories he wasn't sure he wanted, from when he had been so much younger, mesmerized by the way Yuzuru moved, his elegant posture, flexible line of his back, and Javier swallowed hard, his throat filled with sand. 

"Hey!" 

Javier flinched, surprised by a loud voice and a warm hand on his shoulder. 

"Me and Anna are done for today, we're going to grab a drink with some folks." Luca smiled at him friendly "You want to join us?" 

"I-" Javier hesitated for a second "Text me when you choose a place, okay? I want to talk with-" he made a vague gesture with his hand and Luca smiled with understanding. 

"Sure, you busy man." he chuckled, skating away slowly "Don't bail on us, though!" 

"I wouldn't dare." 

Javier was trying to convince himself that he wasn't stalling. And the sole reason he was standing in a shower for almost half an hour was because he liked water. 

Pathetic, really. 

Javier shook his head annoyed with himself, and he rubbed his face angrily. 

He was being ridiculous, he knew it, and he felt angry at himself for acting like a teenager. 

He left the shower with a strong will to dress himself and call Luca, but then he froze, everything happening just like those few days before.

"Hi." Yuzuru mumbled, looking at him before raising from the bench and turning around, making a vague gesture with his hand "Can help?" 

His voice was muffled but sure, and Javier blinked rapidly, swallowing hard. 

"Sure." 

He was careful, just like before, but he noticed that there was no problem that time, everything going smoothly, and Javier's breathing hitched when he realized what it meant, his thoughts suddenly razor sharp. 

Yuzuru always liked to play games. With audiences, judges, competition. He had never tried it with Javier, though, not until now, and Javier thought could clearly see what was going on.

Two could play that game. 

"You're taking long." Yuzuru muttered and Javier sighed, unzipping the rest of the costume. 

"I'm just being careful." Javier said quietly, pressing his finger at the top of Yuzuru's spine, feeling his smooth, hot skin burning his fingertip.

It was the moment he should step away. Get dressed, call Luca. 

He didn't. 

Instead, he slowly traced Yuzuru's spine with his finger, marveling at the feeling and the way Yuzuru's muscles tensed.

"I was watching you today." Javier muttered, pressing his hand to the small of Yuzuru's back "You're enjoying that, aren't you?" 

"What?" Yuzuru asked breathlessly, bracing his hands on the locker in front of him. 

"Showing off with what you can do." Javier said quietly, running his palm up and down Yuzuru's back feeling him tremble. 

"Maybe." Yuzuru breathed out and then exhaled deeply as Javier stepped closer, pressing himself to Yuzuru's back, shuddering a little at the feeling of his smooth skin against his chest. 

"What do you want, Yuzu?" Javier asked lowly and Yuzuru's breathing hitched. 

"I want you to look at me." he whimpered "I want you to see me." 

Javier's heart stopped for a moment and then resumed its rapid, erratic rhythm, and he could feel himself deflating, a lump forming in his throat. 

It was the same old thing, in the end. 

Yuzuru went limp against him and Javier wrapped his arms around his waist, keeping him close.

"I miss you." Yuzuru whispered and Javier closed his eyes, leaning in and pressing his lips to the first knob of Yuzuru's spine. 

"I miss you too." he said quietly against Yuzuru's skin, his lips lingering for a moment longer before he pulled back and gently made Yuzuru turn around in his arms so he could look at his face. 

Yuzuru's cheeks were pink with blush and it seemed that he couldn't look Javier in the eyes, fiddling with a sleeve of his costume. 

Javier's heart clenched painfully. 

The same old story all over again, trying to find balance between friends and strangers, between freezing cold ignorance and flaming attraction. 

It hurt, just a bit. It was a familiar ache, though, something they knew how to deal with. 

"Come here." Javier sighed softly and Yuzuru reacted in the instant, throwing himself into Javier's arms, warm and trembling. 

It could be so easy, Javier thought, running his hand up and down Yuzuru's back But we always choose the complicated path. 

"Do you want to come to my room?" Javier asked, Luca and others be damned "We can talk, if you want to. And it's okay if you don't." 

Yuzuru looked at him with eyes full of melancholy and longing. 

"We are bad at talking." Yuzuru whispered, taking Javier's hand, their fingers entwining. 

"That we are." Javier chuckled softly, his heart pounding, throat dry. 

And when Yuzuru tugged him gently towards the showers, Javier followed him without hesitation. 

Yuzuru moaned softly, his back arching as Javier kept kissing down his spine, slow, lower and lower until he had to get on his knees, feeling the hard cold of the tiles. He didn't care about that, though, too caught up in a moment, in the salty taste of Yuzuru's skin and slight trembling of his muscles. 

"Javi." Yuzuru whimpered quietly and Javier exhaled deeply, nuzzling against the small of Yuzuru's back, hands running down his thighs. 

They both knew the threat of getting caught was so low they didn't have to think about it. And it was freeing, and thrilling, those rare moments that had happened only a few times before. 

Javier stood up, pressing himself against Yuzuru's back and gently rocking his hips forward against Yuzuru's warm flesh, drawing a quiet, strangled moan out of him. 

"Oh." Yuzuru gasped, pushing against Javier's moves, hands clawing at the wall, his back pressing against Javier's chest, strong and hot. 

"Javi." Yuzuru whispered, his voice shaking, and Javier closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to Yuzuru's shoulder before pulling back and making Yuzuru turn around so they could look at each other. 

They didn't have to talk and suddenly Javier was painfully aware of the fact that they had never kissed, not even once. That border they didn't dare to cross, as if sensing that there would be no coming back. 

"Come here." Javier whispered again, just like before, grabbing Yuzuru's hips and lifting him up, strong legs wrapping around his waist immediately. 

"There you go." Javier breathed out "There it is." 

It was quick and clumsy, them rubbing against each other, clinging to each other, Yuzuru back arching so much it looked almost painful, his lips falling open. 

He looked beautiful like that, his flexible body wrapped around Javier's, his fingers digging into his shoulders as they moved quickly against each other, seeking their relief. 

It left them breathless and senseless, their bodies shaking against each other, now limp and warm and trusting. 

Javier tried not to think what it meant. It had happened only a few times before, when the tension and longing were too high, the hunger in their bones too strong to fight with it. 

"Are you okay?" he asked against Yuzuru's temple, caressing his back with soothing motions. 

Yuzuru inhaled deeply and then pulled back a little, his eyes wide and dark, and filled with something Javier hadn't seen in them before. 

"I think-" Yuzuru said quietly, his gaze searching and careful "I think I would like to talk." 

That- that was new. Unexpected and difficult. 

But also, thrilling. 

"Okay." Javier muttered, linking their fingers together "Let's do that." 

Words were always too difficult to deal with, but maybe now was the time they could face them. Together. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said that E rating would apply here but I think I failed, so I change it and I'm sorry huh I hope you will enjoy it still!

They spent the whole drive to the hotel in silence, huddled on the backseat of the car Yuzuru had on his disposal, the driver keeping his expression blank as Yuzuru spoke to him in rapid Japanese.

Javier felt weird, but not in the bad way. There was a spike of excitement, coiling inside him, expectations and just a little bit of anxiety. It was new for them, after years of dancing around each other, getting closer in a blazing heat of a moment and then pulling back, watching each other carefully and staying away for as long as they could.

Now, there was a chance it all was going to change.

When they stepped into an elevator Yuzuru took his hand, squeezing Javier’s fingers gently, and it felt like he needed that encouraging gesture too, as if he was craving something to ground him and not let him run away.

Javier didn’t let go of Yuzuru’s hand even when he had to open the door to his room, fumbling with his key card a bit. When they finally got inside Javier was grateful to his morning self for opening the windows, so the room wasn’t incredibly hot and there was actually enough air for them to breathe. Which was good, because Javier felt like his skin was burning already.

Yuzuru looked around, his gaze lingering on the bed and Javier’s heart skipped a beat, which was kind of funny, because they had been so incredibly close and intimate just an hour ago, clinging to each other and feeling skin against skin. But it was easier, to be just physical and trying not to think what was there, or what could be, because that would turn upside down that fragile balance their somehow kept on maintaining.

There was no other place to sit down, though, except of one armchair in the opposite corner of the room, and it seemed like Yuzuru felt comfortable enough, because he went straight to the bed, his hand slipping from Javier’s as he sat down, looking at him with big, dark eyes.

“So.” Javier exhaled deeply, a bit nervous, not knowing if he should sit down to or maybe keep some kind of distance between them to make Yuzuru feel more comfortable “So… talk?”

Yuzuru kept on staring at him for a moment before he tilted his head a little and reached for Javier’s hand again.

"Come here." he said quietly, repeating Javier's usual phrase, and Javier followed his words and gesture, sitting down next to him.

Yuzuru's eyes were serious but soft, and Javier felt his heart skipping a beat.

Did he even know what he wanted to hear?

"I don't think we should do it anymore." Yuzuru said softly, his thumb brushing over Javier's knuckles. His smile was small and gentle, and Javier couldn't breathe.

Maybe he knew what he wanted to hear, in the end.

Not that.

"Oh." he whispered breathlessly, feeling strangely numb inside "I-"

"Javi." Yuzuru said quietly "I don't mean-" he stopped, inhaling deeply as if he was trying to gather enough courage.

"Then what do you mean?" Javier murmured and Yuzuru smiled before leaning in just a little bit.

"Kiss me."

Javier gulped for air, stunned.

It sounded like an innocent request, a warm question asked with bright eyes and shy smile, but Javier knew that it meant so much more for them and for who they were to each other.

It wasn't just a kiss.

It was a promise. It was commitment.

Javier took a deep breath before moving closer and cupping Yuzuru's cheek, making a decision.

Yuzuru’s mouth was warm and a bit rough, and Javier couldn’t get enough, even though he tried to keep it slow, marvel in the feeling of Yuzuru's lips against his, hot and slick and addicting, and it took all Javier's strength, to pull back.

"Wait, wait." he panted, fingers curling on Yuzuru's collarbone "We, uhh… talk?"

Yuzuru sighed deeply, lying down on the bed and pulling Javier with him, so they were facing each other.

Javier's heart was beating fast as he was looking at Yuzuru, so close and warm, eyes shining and cheeks flushed.

They were no strangers to being close, physically, but it was something new.

"What did you mean?" Javier asked quietly, reaching for Yuzuru's hand tentatively "That we can't do it anymore?"

Yuzuru sighed and tucked his arm under his head, his gaze serious as he looked at Javier intently.

"I want this to be real." he said, quiet but sure "You and me. I want to kiss you, and I want to make love to you. I want you, Javi. Forever."

Javier's breathing hitched as he kept on looking at Yuzuru's face, sure and honest, but Javier could feel doubt bubbling in his chest, that awful, overwhelming feeling.

"How- how do you-" he couldn’t finish, voice catching in his throat, and Yuzuru smiled at him softly.

"Do you want it too?" he asked, squeezing Javier's fingers and Javier inhaled sharply.

“I do.”

How could he not?

“Then it’s settled.” Yuzuru smiled, bringing his hand to cup Javi’s face “You and me.”

“You and me.” Javier muttered, overwhelmed, and Yuzuru’s smile turned sweet.

“Can I kiss you again?” he asked and Javier swallowed all the questions burning the tip of his tongue, because none of them mattered anymore.

What mattered was that now, for the first time, they talked, and they had clarity, and they knew what the other one wanted. There would be more time to talk, think about the details, who, how, when, where.

Now, they just needed to be together.

It felt different, undressing each other so slowly, as it wasn't just another moment stolen in between trainings or shows. It felt like some kind of a ritual, their fingers trembling but sure, peeling the layers of clothes off as if they were discovering each other for the very first time.

Javier felt dizzy, feeling Yuzuru's hot skin pressed against his, lips meeting a bit sloppily, fingers tangling on the sheets. It felt like enough, almost too much, so when Yuzuru sat up and looked at him with burning intensity in his eyes, Javier felt like he couldn’t breathe.

"Javi." Yuzuru breathed out, sliding his hand down Javier's chest before placing it on his stomach, his touch gentle and grounding "Can I make love to you?"

That was new, too.

They had never named what was going on between them, and they never dared to use that word.  _ Love _ . It felt too big and too difficult, but maybe... maybe that was it. Just that simple, and just that complicated.

It felt like Yuzuru knew a bit better how to handle it all, as if he could sense how overwhelmed Javier was feeling, dizzy with so many emotions that he could barely breathe, and he was only able to run his shaking hands along the planes of Yuzuru's body, because now he could, because now they had time, all the time, and all the right.

"It's okay." Yuzuru whispered, leaning in to catch Javier's lips with his "It's okay, I've got you."

His hands were warm and sure, and Javier gave into his touch, following Yuzuru's lead, giving him his body and heart. 

"Do you trust me?" Yuzuru whispered into Javier's ear, his breath hot and fluttering, making Javier's body jolt with arousal, his muscles trembling.

It felt like Yuzuru wasn't asking only about that, about their bodies pressed flush against each other, hands moving slowly but with clear intent, and Javier's breathing hitched.

It felt like making a choice, now. Maybe the most important one. 

"Always."

Yuzuru whimpered quietly, his eyes falling shut, chest raising in rapid, ragged breathing. Javier swallowed hard, pressing his hand to Yuzuru's stomach before slowly sliding it up, across his sweaty chest and fragile neck until he cupped his cheek, feeling warm softness of Yuzuru's skin that was making his fingertips tingle.

"Look at me." Javier breathed out and Yuzuru whimpered again before opening his eyes and looking down, and there was so many things to decipher in his gaze that Javier almost regretted asking, because now he felt like his heart was going to bruise his ribs, beating so hard and fast it was hard to breathe.

It was almost unbearable, the way their bodies moved in one rhythm, letting everything build, slowly and steadily, and Javier didn't quite want that to end; he could spend the eternity like that, watching Yuzuru, feel his warmth and scent, running his hand up and down Yuzuru's arched back, feel his muscles and soft skin.

Everything was perfect, quiet, gentle, like it was supposed to be, and Javier let himself sink in that feeling, in the smooth heat of Yuzuru's body, and he let himself hope that it was just the beginning.

Beginning of something new and beautiful and just a little bit fragile, still.

Beginning of them.

Yuzuru looked so calm like that. So damn beautiful.

He was lying on his stomach, cheek pressed to a pillow. He was breathing deeply, his nose a bit scrunched as he was balancing on the edge of slumber.

Javier couldn't turn his gaze away.

His body was feeling raw and vulnerable, still trembling with echos of recent pleasure, but his blood was buzzing, not really letting him lay down still and rest.

He pressed one finger to the top of Yuzuru's spine before gently moving it down, marvelling at the feeling. Yuzuru had such a beautiful back, strong and flexible, and he was arching it so beautifully every time he came, head thrown back and lips parting in a silent scream.

Javier shuddered at the memory, resting his hand on the small of Yuzuru's back, rubbing the skin there in gentle circles, and Yuzuru sighed deeply, opening his eyes. He smiled, bright and sleepy, clearly struggling to keep his eyes open.

"Hey." he muttered, leaning a bit closer "You want to say something."

It wasn't a question. And he was right, but Javier didn't want to ruin the moment with his insecurities and doubts, but Yuzuru's gaze turned more intent, his smile unchanged.

"Yes." he said quietly and Javier blinked rapidly.

"What?"

Yuzuru sighed, nuzzling a bit closer and reaching to caress Javier's face with the lightest of touches.

"Wait for me till the end of the season." he said quietly and Javier's heart stuttered.

"What." he repeated weakly and Yuzuru smiled, as if he already knew how it all would turn out.

"After the season is over, I will follow you everywhere. Just give me these few months. To say goodbye."

Javier couldn't breathe.

"I-" he stammered, desperately trying to get more air into his lungs "You can't sacrifice-"

"I'm not sacrificing anything." Yuzuru said softly, his fingers brushing against Javier's lips "I'm making a choice, and I'm choosing you."

Javier knew he should say something, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t speak, and he couldn’t even breathe, because it was almost ridiculous, that it was so easy so suddenly. Years of dancing around each other brought them to that moment, quiet and warm and easy, and Javier felt like he could cry from all the emotions coiling inside his chest. 

The only thing he could do was to take Yuzuru's hand and press a kiss to his knuckles before entwining their fingers, and tucking their joined hands against his heart. 

Yuzuru smiled, tender and content, before sighing quietly and closing his eyes, and Javier's heart felt too big and too heavy. He moved slowly, shifting so he could press his lips to Yuzuru's forehead, feeling his warm breath against his throat. 

It felt familiar. Just like it should be. 

Someday in the future they would tell each other about their feelings. About love and hope and dreams. 

But now they would just sleep, pressed against each other, sharing the same air and rhythm of their heartbeats. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Let me know what you think hah


End file.
